I’m starting to wonder if God has me on a thin wire that that vibrates. It goes one direction, and the day is bad. The other direction, and it’s good. Every other day or every couple of days it seems like there is nothing more than a vibrating wave that if you look at it from a distance is just a thick line from the motion.
This week has been sad and disappointing. I learned about forgiveness a little, and learned that God must seriously ache when people do dumb things. There’s a fracture point in life where you can’t take more of something. At least, everyone else seems to have it excepting Christ.
Forgiveness was a reply to something that I did to make up for a mistake. The person had forgotten about what I’d done and didn’t seem to care. The thing that was getting to me and goading me for probably two years because I was too poor to make up for my mistake was something that didn’t bug them a whit, apparently. I guess I get to chalk it up to the person having been as shallow as a petri dish and continuing on that route. My husband helped me see that some people choose to be happy because they never let unhappiness come into their sphere. It’s a matter of arm candy, and not seeing or giving validity to hurts imposed upon others.
Yeah, I got bruised, broken, and had a case of PTSD-style trauma for a while afterwards. Ripped my confidence into confetti and made me want to hide into a turtle shell. No one should do that to anyone else (or themselves, if that’s possible). What my husband helped me see was that God shows ALL of our warts at the end of life in judgement. It’s up to me to do my best to get over it. Not to hurt the clawing minx cause honestly, she’s a cat who only wants a very safe, unambitious sphere. She wants a basic life without the adventures that paying attention to other’s needs requires. Although selfish, thoughtless, and vain, it is a way of looking at life. And it takes me a lot of admit that anyone would ever want to live below giant star-burst fireworks, but some people just want to be diminutive sparklers and not to be a giant fireball star. Do I like her? Nope. (Duh.) Do I really ever want to be around her again or see a need for it? Ain’t no way if I can avoid it. Do I want to hurt her? Not physically. I would give a lot for her to SEE, but some people love their blinders and won’t give them up for anything.
This probably makes me look bad, condescending, etc. After being treated like a cross between water vapor and dog food for nine months, I’m a little grateful that I came out with any part of my sanity intact. And I wouldn’t go back to it for anything, ever. One of the worst, most rotten times of my life. I don’t treat her family badly. If people judged others on their families, no one would ever get a fair trial. So, consider me a work in progress. I’m just trying to get over the hurt and bad feelings. Learning to let it go is hard.
In the matter of disappointment, a friend was sent away from something lately. It kind of killed me, reminded me of the people who were sent away from another similar endeavor about a decade ago, but made less sense this time. Social repercussions in the sphere where he was sent back to could be harsh, but more likely simply awkward. It will take a few years maybe, to rebuild, but it’s definitely possible.
It was like finding out that someone you knew well died. I cried for a long time the night after I learned the basics, and couldn’t make sense of it all. Although I’m guessing that it was preventable, in the end it just revealed that Agency is a cranky wench. People make their own choices, and there really isn’t anything that can be done in the end. I kept reviewing my actions over the last while, trying hard to see if or what I could do differently, thinking about any chance that had not been explored, help not given, pressure not relieved, and by the end of it, my husband had all that he could do to keep me hugged enough. Couldn’t stop crying for a long time.
Tomorrow I go back to the endeavor with a fresh set of faces, and hope that my minor trauma doesn’t wreak havoc on an attempt at refreshments of some sort for the group. I feel so tired and so … crispy. Burnt out a bit. I think that I’m starting to understand more when God talks to one of the prophets (either in parable or otherwise) saying, “What more could I do for this tree?” Or when He talks about the Children of Israel and asks the prophets what else could he do? He’s done all that He knew how to do, and even He does not violate agency. Anyone that says that God just allows stuff to happen doesn’t understand the Judgement Day. At the same time, note that God isn’t the one who is making things worse. That’s typically people who are listening to Satan (to quote my Mom) “with both ears wide open.”
At the same time, though, I definitely do not think that kid was Satanic. He was a super kid, but something happened, and I don’t know the full story. Might not ever know it. My husband and I tried non-end to make things in the situation better and it just disintegrated like rotten lumber. Usually, all that’s good for is compost for the next thing. We haven’t given up on him, and want to continue being friends. I don’t think that we hurt the situation since both parties involved thanked us on their own non-sarcastically. So, here’s to hoping.
Time to try again, because tomorrow is… another day, I hope.