For the past month or so, plenty has happened but it is all personal things dealing with re-starting the school year, job searches, car accidents, disappointments that give heavy hearts, and being pulled from pillar to post. There aren’t any big schema shifts or new and amazing things discovered. For the most part, I try hard to keep from complaining. Perhaps the world is lucky that I reserve my gripes for prayer or close friends.
There is so much in the world where I feel like there is zero justice. In my case, I know that I would like to remit my debts and not have any enemies. Perceived or reality, living in a world where high stress is normal makes for exceptionally shorter life spans. I believe (personally, not ecclesiastically) that stress levels are what is killing people younger and younger. During the past summer, there were many deaths. It seems that since 2009, deaths are increasing or else I’m noticing it more.
I am also very aware that I am time-wise a generation gap within myself. On one hand, I work hard whenever possible. I have ideas for technology and other things that may or may not currently exist. On the other side, I don’t know how to operate an RSS feed reader. Yes, that is ridiculous given my current field, but I’ve never seen HOW to do it and feel disproportionately disadvantaged that somewhere along the way I never learned how to do this. Keeping up with current media is a staggering task, and it does not help that everything get filtered and processed! People wonder about their food and try to get back to original materials. I wish that news was like that. Even watch Al-Jazeera or BBC, anything on American news channels may as well be Bologna versus steak. Processed, filtered, cut, formed, re-shaped meat product from items that otherwise might be non-useful.
A former roommate told me once that she envied me due to my not being a part of society. WHAT?! I exist, and such. And then she mentioned that I simply wasn’t a part of the modern world at all and she envied that sometimes. I like some modern music although I prefer 1970′ s classic rock. Yes, I am a history buff and it influences pretty much everything that I do, so I’m not especially trendy. I miss the late 90’s and early 2000’s like mad. I like cemeteries, but I’m NOT goth. While interested in photography, I’m not a hipster and I like vintage but I will not go out of my way for the clothes, etc. Maybe I’m a hipster but I can’t afford the life style.
Mainstream modern world really isn’t my thing, and in that respect I guess that she’s right. I like having standards and morals, and while craft beer holds no interest for me, I’m a big fan of strange and interesting juices and like flavored aloe juice and cherry juice (not strange but fun). I’m quirky, but I am at the middle of various conflicting movements between hipsters and mainstream America, intelligensia and every day people. I like Popeye’s chicken, and tinker with ingredients on labels.
Overall, I can’t imagine her ever envying anything to do with me. She seems to have everything that modern society says that you need to be complete in the world save a BA or BS. She has her problems (everyone does), but she seems to be doing okay.
I need a job. My field is family history, but there does not appear to be anyone hiring for that where I live. Where they are hiring for that, I’m not to live there presently. So, I’m increasing skills doing two Masters degrees at the same time. Regularly, I’m called crazy for that. Might be true. I don’t know. Somehow I’m getting through it. I’m doing this part-time, and since the economy flatlined four years ago, when I got my BA, now I just want to pay bills and find affordable insurance so that I’m not a victim of Obamacare penalties. Everything that I want to do appears to be either non-profit or not-for-profit and I’m drowning.
Today in class I was rude to a friend and that was bad. I tried apologizing in class and afterwards, but I can see my stresses wearing on me. Need stability in my life. Safe place to live and study, and I would literally give anything for some of my non-stop worries to lift off my back a little. That means actual resolutions, not attempts trying to treat symptoms.
Monday at FHE we learned more about grace. I grew up thinking that grace was what filled in the gap after all that I can do. Well, no. Doesn’t work like that. Grace fills the whole pothole, not just sticking a steel patch on it. So then various Christian groups say that works don’t matter at all. Well, they matter at least as a sign of who you are- that you choose to do good things to say thanks to Deity, not to earn anything of yourself. What one does in mortality does affect the afterlife. It helps God and you choose where you want to go.
I think that God is an inclusive being and wants a big party up in heaven. The thing is that there are a lot of people who read: Black Tie, then clam up, not realizing that the outfits are in the box that came with the invitation. They don’t put in the effort to open the box. It takes some work to attire properly for that situation. Not exactly where you’d want to show up in jeans or pajamas. And no, heaven may not be a Black Tie party, but this is to illustrate the point where God asks for our best and even provides the outfits!
In some cases, the best that people can do is to roll over in bed. That may be a true best for many people, and I have honestly no ground to stand on judging anyone else’s capacity. My capacity appears to diminish daily. Lately I seem to need to ask forgiveness a lot. While I am under constant, extreme stress and instability (and I don’t do well with instability although it appears to be a part of life for the next while) I am also learning how to deal with this. It is not an easy process, but that is not the point. Learning patience and faith is not easy, but to quote “A League of their Own,” it’s the hard that makes it great.
Still trying, still working (moving forward), still going. We’ll see how far I go before I collapse! 🙂
Best to all,