I have to make this post short. That means that it will probably go longer than intended. Suffice it to say, I was rear-ended in a collision on Saturday. I am alive, didn’t need to go to the hospital, and no one else was injured. My car was stopped, but the force of the crash pushed me into the car in front of it, which pushed into the car in front of it. Turns out that the driver was not on the vehicle’s policy and with adjustors going after the rear-ender’s family. I just want my car fixed.
Before any of this happened, the day before I spent reading scriptures, a Church book written by a deceased apostle, and another Church book. I’ve wanted to make sure that my life was cleaned up before, but this pushed me to the “ready to do something about it” stage. Ready to do anything to become clean. My sins are common, not “lighter” or worse than anyone else. In the big picture, they were “such as is common to man” as quoted from the New Testament. However, God does not “look upon sin with the least degree of allowance” and He’s got every right not to do so. Reading these books, I made notes about things that I wanted to change. For the bigger issues, the list was short although the steps on one of the big things will take time to gain back what is missing. It’s more about paperwork and changes that people may only see once they begin. Thinking changes and character shifts.
The second one is much shorter, and will involve one week away from something pure and sacred, a perspective shift, as the Bishop called it in a gentle manner, and then the victory lap where I can start back up with it the next week. One week away from the reason I go to Church. No one else may notice, but this isn’t about anyone else. It is about being clean before God. I wish never again to be a hypocrite. Being proper on the outside does not mean being serious, down-faced, or self-rejecting. Being pure is about doing your best, and when you are clean, helping anyone else out.
Repentence on the first matter …I never could see a way out, but I admitted what it was to the Bishop. Apparently there was no Bishop-required punishment-thing for it, but to me it was disregarding prophetic counsel and so now is the time to change it.
Following the accident, my car was towed to an auto body repair place. I went there, and they checked it out. The damages to the car are such that I could literally never pay it myself within any time frame suitable. Alone, I do not currently make enough for anything, and that includes with budgeting and living as frugally as is possible. The car is not my fault, and the other party will need to pay for damages. Even if it takes them a while to pay it all, I need transportation and that is just. I do not want to take them to court over any of this. Just want the car back, drive-able and not going to break down on me quickly.
I went to the shop, and the guys there are extremely amicable. I am hoping, hard, that everything proceeds well.
Once I chose to clean up everything in my life, it got better. I can feel that maybe God is giving me another chance. When I spoke with the Bishop, he mentioned that I am important to God. That got to me. I have not felt important to anyone for ages. God usually feels farther away, but when you look at it, I moved away, not Him. And the closer I am trying to get, the more I see how unbelievably weak I am.
My hardest faults are things that I did not know how to do anything about. I knew they were wrong, and I’ve been taught ways of fixing them, but they were not things that I physically COULD do anything about given my circumstances. There was a gap that I have never been able to overcome on my own, no matter how badly I wished it, or wanted it, or put things off thinking that things would get better. It’s as if there is this little thing above my head where if I mess up in one place of my life, it’s going to bite me, and HARD. God keeps me very straitly-coursed.
This is a course in humility. My body is not broken, but the rest of me is learning that my knees are not always physically bent to be kneeling down. I think that the heart can kneel, especially when learning that God wants a people who are dedicated to Him. And in this process, I see that there are blessings that may come from something that otherwise would utterly ruin me if left solely to my own devices. There is none good but God.
Best to everyone,